Its 3.00am. The baby monitor starts to beep and I wake up.
The battery is exceptionally low and I presume that I forgot to switch the charger on. I attempt to turn my lamp on so I can check, but it doesn’t work. I get out of bed and try the main bedroom light but that’s not working either.
Then it hits me: there is no power and I know why. Mrs Left-Handed Tea Drinker wakes up and it’s time for me to confess everything …
One week earlier
The landline phone rings.
LHTD: ‘Hello.’
CALLER: ‘Good afternoon, sir. Can I speak to the manager?’
I knew this was just another cold call. Firstly, we don’t use our landline very often, I don’t know the number and we only have it as we needed a phone line for the Internet. It also means that my sister, who lives in a phone-signal wilderness (yes, they do exist), doesn’t have to pay to call the mobile. Secondly, there is no manager, unless he’s referring to Mrs LHTD.
I was getting sick of the calls. We’d been plagued by them recently and it was time to fight back.
LHTD: ‘Yes, speaking.’
CALLER: ‘I am calling from [inaudible] Energy and we can offer you an excellent rate and save you money.’
LHTD: ‘Excellent, sign me up. What do you need: credit card details, bank account number?’
The caller was a bit taken aback.
CALLER: ‘Yes, I need your credit card number, expiry date and security code. First of all, tell me your address and I will check what excellent rate we can do for you today, sir.’
LHTD: ‘What’s your address?’
CALLER: ‘The company address is …’
LHTD: ‘No, your own personal address.’
CALLER: ‘I won’t give you that information, sir.’
LHTD: ‘So it’s ok for you to call me and ask for my personal information but you won’t give me yours?’
CALLER: ‘You don’t need that information. If you don’t want this excellent rate then …’
LHTD: ‘I want your name, address and mobile number or I want to speak to your manager.’
CALLER: ‘My manager?’
LHTD: ‘Yes, I want to speak to your manager.’
Whispering could be heard and then the line went dead. I had defeated the cold caller.
A few days later the phone rang again and we went through the same charade, but this time I decided to put a stop to it.
LHTD: ‘Look, we’ve done this several times this week already. I’m not stupid – you’re not getting my money or my details. Why don’t you just stop calling me? Just hang up and delete my number. It would save us both a lot of time and hassle.’
No reply.
LHTD: ‘Are you going to delete my number?’The caller mutters something.
LHTD: ‘You can or you can’t?’
CALLER: ‘I can and I can’t.’
The line went dead. I had to laugh – he’d been caught out. But he wasn’t going to throw in the towel just yet.
The calls ceased for a few days and then the phone rang once more. This time they had changed their tactics. They claimed to be calling from my actual energy company. They knew my address and they told me that if I didn’t respond within 24 hours to the letters they had sent then they would cut off the electricity. I wasn’t up for an argument today so I said, ‘I taped up the letterbox months ago. Go for it, electricity is overrated anyway.’
Thirty-six hours later, the power went out.
I have confessed everything to Mrs LHTD. She’s left the room to find some candles or to pack a suitcase. I am left in the darkness to contemplate what I have done and to think about the phone call I’ll have to make in the morning. The minutes seem to last for hours.
Mrs LHTD comes back in. ‘The stairwell lights are off,’ she says. Have I caused a power cut for the whole building? I pull open the curtains and look out of the window. Bellevue is in total darkness.
A couple of hours later the power is back on and everything seems to be back to normal, but there are still questions to be answered. Who are the mystery cold callers? What happened to the power? At the end of the day, we hadn’t been cut off so I haven’t actually done anything wrong, but will Mrs LHTD ever speak to me again?
One thing’s for sure, though: I won’t be answering the phone again. The way things are going, I’ll be a hermit in no time at all. That’s the dream anyway.
[Phone image Wikipedia, Creative Commons.]
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