HOOTS, TOOTS – SAY NO TO SPROOTS

The following exchange has taken place every Christmas for as long as I can remember. 

PARENTAL: How many Brussels sprouts do you want for your Christmas dinner? 

LHTD: Well, I’d prefer none. 

PARENTAL: But you love sprouts. 

LHTD: No, I don’t. 

PARENTAL: You eat them every Christmas, though.

LHTD: That doesn’t mean I like them. I just eat them because they’re on my plate. Do you like them?

PARENTAL: No, but your sister does.

LHTD: No, she doesn’t. Nobody does. She just tolerates them because it’s Christmas. Why don’t we have a different vegetable, one that we all actually like?

PARENTAL: Because it’s tradition.

Whatever my answer is to the first question above, I can guarantee that no fewer than five sprouts will appear on my plate. I’ll just about manage to eat one-and-a-half at a push. 

I always used to think that sprouts would be one of those things that I’d get to like as I grew older, like whisky, beer and olives. But no, they still taste the same.    

Can you even buy sprouts outwith the Christmas period? Tattie Shaw’s probably know, but if I ask them they might think I’m a sprout lover and decide to stock them all year round. 

My theory is that nobody likes Brussels sprouts. Not even the people who say they like them. There are, however, some people who have to be controversial and pretend to enjoy them. These people are the reason sprouts keep sprouting. Without these people there would be no need for sprouts. Sprouts would eventually wither and die, which is what I feel on the point of doing every year when I eat one. I wouldn’t mourn their extinction, and I’m sure hundreds, thousands and possibly millions would agree.

Perhaps you think that you like sprouts because each year at Christmas you are happy to have a few with Christmas dinner. But just because it happens at Christmas and it’s tradition doesn’t mean that YOU ACUTUALLY LIKE THEM.  I don’t’ like Christmas but I celebrate it every year because it’s tradition. 

If you think that you are a sprout lover then think again and ask yourself these two questions:

1. You’re at a restaurant; they have every single vegetable in the world on their menu. Would your vegetable of choice be a Brussels sprout?
2. If the sprout didn’t exist, would you miss it?

If you answered yes to either of those questions you’re either both lying and being contentious or your tastebuds are knackered.

I did some research and asked four people whether they liked them. I got four no’s. Out of the four, two of those said they like to eat them at Christmas (because its tradition). One of the associated comments was, 'My Mum quite likes them'.  

I don’t feel this is a wide enough research sample yet on which to base appeals for funds and begin running a campaign, so would like to open the subject up initially to Spurtle readers.

Tell me honestly what you think. Together, this could be our last Christmas facing sprouts. Together, I believe we can make the world a better – or, at least, less bitter – place.

Got a view? Tell us at spurtle@hotmail.co.uk and @theSpurtle and Facebook. You can also contact the Left-Handed Tea Drinker in person on Twitter at @TheLHTD 

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@theSpurtle Cafe Marlayne does 'crispy sprouts' . They are quite good.

@Protonmale @theSpurtle Quite good? But not delicious?

@Protonmale @theSpurtle Sprouts delicious when not overcooked. I have refuted @TheLHTD 's argument.

@Protonmale @theSpurtle @TheLHTD Do it right: http://www.cooksister.com/2008/11/garlicky-sauteed-brussels-sprouts.html …

@NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale @theSpurtle @TheLHTD It's true that juvenile palates have always struggled with sprouts - a grown-up taste.

@TheLHTD @NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale @theSpurtle If not by age 50, it starts going the other way again. By 80, palate back to baby

@NTCleanStreets @Protonmale @theSpurtle @TheLHTD Indeed. Sprouts appeal to a more refined palate. Pair with a good Barolo, not tea.

@NewTownFlaneur @NTCleanStreets @Protonmale @theSpurtle I stand by my theory.You’re either being contentious or your tastebuds are knackered

Brussels roulette is fun for guests. Plateful of dark choc-covered cherries + 1 dark choc-covered boiled-to-buggery sprout. How they laugh.

@theSpurtle #evil

 NewTownCleanStreets ‏@NTCleanStreets

@NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale @theSpurtle I think you are outside the consensus of opinion we've seen here on twitter actually, @LHTD

@NTCleanStreets @NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale @theSpurtle just wait until everyone's eaten their Christmas dinner, then I won't be alone.

@NTCleanStreets @NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale @LHTD Silent majority enjoy watching OTHER PEOPLE eat sprouts. Opposite of green with envy.

Ah, sorry @theSpurtle, had classed you with the sophisticated palates but now see you're with @LHTD on this. @NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale

@NTCleanStreets @LHTD @NewTownFlaneur @Protonmale V. sophisticated. Eat anything – oysters, truffles, ortolans – given enough brown sauce.

@theSpurtle @TheLHTD We love sprouts and eat them autumn to spring. Having curry on Xmas day and they'll be in that. For real.

@theSpurtle Scotch pie - given enough brown sauce.

@Protonmale Brown sauce – given enough Scotch.

@TheLHTD the sprout is one of the worlds healthiest foods according to this website http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=10 … #sprouts #greens

@EllaTasm @theSpurtle quickly losing what little faith I had left in Broughton/humanity/twitter.

Don't follow the crowd, @TheLHTD. It's fine to have unique tastes, especially in Spurtleshire. @theSpurtle