As you read this, the April issue of your local stirrer has been printed, folded, cardboard-boxed and divvied up among our crack team of local distribution operatives.
Unfortunately, owing to inexplicable Government and Church failures to adjust the date of Easter around our wholly predictable production schedule, not all copies will be available in all the usual outlets by the first of the month.
We’re sure Nicola Sturgeon and others would like to apologise for this oversight, and as soon as they do we’ll be the first to graciously play down the problem as something almost too trivial to mention.
In the meantime, here’s what you’re missing
Page 1 kicks off with sparks and hot water, an electrifying combination which may explain why a scantily clad newcomer jumps out of the bushes. The ongoing defence of an important asset concludes.
Where to begin with Page 2? It includes bones, drains and a peculiar paradox. Not to mention crime news, an unwelcome presence seeking support, and the eye-watering expense of maintaining old property. Also bright lights.
On Page 3 we (probably exclusively) report on the emergence of a new something-or-another we’ll surely hear more of in the months to come. We publish our usual feathered feature, and an affectionate farewell to a notable Broughton worthy now no longer with us.
If it’s masked 50-year-old men that float your boat, Page 4 is the place for you. Piles and an arms-length response follow. We go on to describe what you can get for £80k these days, and note some musical chairs and the end of an era on Albany Street.
Good news
Confused? All will become clear soon. And if you can’t wait for your paper copy to appear in the usual Spurtleshire spots by 2 April at the latest, we have good news.
A beautiful, high-resolution full-colour pdf will be available on our Homepage from midnight tonight.