Last week a painting by Peter Standen – 'Tornado in Bellevue' – was brought to my attention, and it instantly filled me with dread.
With the tail-end of Hurricane Gonzalo heading our way and Standen’s apparent premonition, I needed to be prepared. I couldn’t afford a boat but I thought a waterproof life jacket coat would be the next best thing. The only problem was it meant I had to go shopping, and I hate shopping.
I headed off to the St James Centre, and after trailing round the stores, comparing prices, sizes and special features, I gave up after five minutes and decided to purchase the first one I saw in the nearest mid-level men’s clothing outlet.
There are three types of customer service: the good, the bad and the over-friendly. I loathe them all but someone being over-friendly has to be the worst. I’m not talking about local businesses where the customers actually matter ... it’s the big businesses that get to me.
As I got to the checkout, I pulled out my card and was ready to get this painful experience over with and head back home to wait for impending doom. Then I was interrogated.
I wasn’t asked if I had found everything that I was looking for or if I had a store card or if I wanted any socks at a discounted price. Instead: ‘How are you, today?’ asked the sales assistant. Then, ‘What are you doing for the rest of the day?’
Being socially awkward and occasionally purposefully awkward makes you want to say nothing at all except perhaps a mumble and grumble. But this was a direct question. It needed an answer. I didn’t want to seem boring and miserable ... I needed to concoct an elaborate story about my plans for the day. I should have said how I was going to climb Arthur’s Seat, volunteer at the local pet rescue and do some gardening for an elderly neighbour. What I did say was, ‘Nothing else, just going home now’.
Shopping is already a painful experience for me, but do I need to be interrogated and reminded about how mundane I am? After a few more bits of small talk, the transaction was finished, but I felt I had lost a bit of my soul in the process.
My advice is this: If you work in a shop or any type of customer-service environment and you want to be nice, keep it to a minimum.
On my way home I noticed another type of customer service. Tribe Tattoo on Broughton Street offer laser tattoo removal: is this a first? I assume you have to pay for the privilege and I’m resisting the urge to get myself inked in order to find out. There are not many shops that will charge you to take something back: I admire their entrepreneurial sass.
Now, where’s that storm got to?
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Peter Standen’s excellent and cataclysmic ‘Tornado in Bellevue’ (etching on handmade paper with acrylic, 22.5 x 30cm, 2014) appears in his exhibition at The Sutton Gallery (18a Dundas Street) from 7 November–29th November 2014.